5 Parenting Lessons from 57 Years of Experience
A few weeks ago I sat down with my mother-in-law and asked all kinds of questions. As we talked, the parenting lessons were plentiful. Thoughts came about how I can be a better parent, what I want to do differently, and what was important to this mother who raised my husband.
I have always believed that what we can learn from our own experience is limited; we only have one lifetime. However, our knowledge can be infinite if we are willing to learn from the experiences of others.
The conversation with my mother-in-law was enlightening for me. Today, I am sharing five of my top lessons learned, in hopes that you too can learn from her 57 years of parenting experience.
*Many thanks to my mother-in-law for our conversation and for the mother she is and has been. She raised an incredible family, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of it now and learn from her.
A Brief Introduction
I talked with my mother-in-law, Ruth Melling. I’m very grateful for the time and thoughts she shared.
When I asked what was something she loved about being a mom when the kids were young, she replied, “Oh I just loved being a mom. I looked forward to everyday…I didn’t ever feel like motherhood was a drudgery. It was kind of my hobby I guess you’d call it.”
Motherhood was more than a hobby; it has been her life’s calling. Although Ruth has always been involved in her community and taught elementary school for many years, faith and family have been the center of her life.
Ruth raised six kids and so far has 31 grandkids and 13 great-grandchildren!
So here are some of my top parenting lessons from my conversation with my mother-in-law, Ruth.
Five Parenting Lessons from 57 Years of Experience
1. Find and Develop Your Children’s Talents
More than anything else, this is the topic that came up over and over again in our conversation.
Ruth said, “I think that every child needs to feel that they are important. So I tried to find out what they can do well and help them to excel in that talent, whatever it is they like to do…They all had different things that they were good at. And so we tried to center on those things and push it so that they would be confident.”
First, find your children’s unique talents.
Ruth emphasized that the talents could be big or small. Here are some of the talents she mentioned.
- Piano
- Penmanship
- Studying
- Reading
- Being a good worker
- Being a good salesman
- Keeping their bedroom clean
- Keeping themselves clean
- Basketball
- School work
- Putting their clothes away well or picking-up
- Being kind
Second, help develop those talents.
After we figure out our children’s talents, we can help them develop those talents. Ruth described how doing this is also a great way to spend one-on-one time with our kids, which helps strengthen parent-child relationships and shows our kids love.
Ruth said, “I used to sit with them at piano and help them. And then I’d take them to the piano lessons, and that was my quiet time with each one of them to talk about what’s going on in their life or what was worrying them or whatever.”
Third, praise those talents.
Lastly, Ruth reiterated, “You need to give them praise for it.”
I recently read that studies show in relationships that last, partners have five positive interactions for each negative one. While this research focused on marriages, I know the same would go for the relationships with our kids. The more sincere praise and positive feedback we give our kids the better.
2. For the Mom who Doesn’t Think She Can Do It
I asked my mother-in-law what she would say to the woman who doesn’t feel like she has the right skill set to be a mom, who doesn’t feel confident, doesn’t feel like she knows what to do or how to do it.
There was nothing fluffy about her reply. Her answer was so swift, practical, and simple it surprised me. It was advice anyone could use right away.
“I’d try to make a schedule or agenda. What are the most important things you need to get done? First you have to take care of your kids.”
“I’d tell her to get a notebook and make a list of the things she needs to get done or have ready for each day, and plan what meals she’s going to have and if it’s a busy day, plan something that’s easy. You know, so that your day is all planned. Plan it for the whole week. “
“On one of the pages write down the things you need to do on the weekends so you will be ready for the week. And it’s really kind of fun. It’s like a game, you know. Oh I’ve got that all ready for the week, you know.”
“At first it will be a little hard, but after a while it’s not even hard.”
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3. Advice for Challenging Times
My father-in-law went back to school when they had three children. A fourth child joined them during his second year of dental school. During this time, my mother-in-law worked as a teacher.
They had to have the four kids ready and be out the door by seven o’clock each morning. After school and on the weekends, my mother-in-law would help the kids with school work and keep the household running smoothly.
As we talked about this busy and challenging time in their lives, three pieces of advice stuck with me for handling hard times.
First, embrace the opportunity to work hard.
Ruth said, “I look back now and wonder how we did it, but to me it was kind of a challenge, you know…I kind of felt like, ‘Man, you’ve got this down.’ You know, something that you could feel good about.”
We can look at our hard times as chances to accept a challenge, to push ourselves, grow, and see how well we can do. Succeeding during challenges will require hard work.
Ruth described how much work she got done on the weekends. There was no lazing around. She’d help the kids with school work, and get the meals planned and shopped and the clothes ready for the whole week.
And a personal reminder to me, the consistent night owl, do not fear the early morning.
“I always got up early,” Ruth mentioned.
Second, work together.
Ruth talked about how she and her husband had a routine for working together.
She also told me about the nicest gift she received when her fourth child was born. Some friends gave them diaper service for a year. “The best present I ever had. I mean it was wonderful!”
The point I took away was that she didn’t do it all alone. Ruth appreciated the people who supported and helped their family in various ways. We’d each do well to find and appreciate our own parenting tribe.
Of her husband Ruth said, “We just worked together…we were on a mission!” That leads right to the next point.
Third, have a common goal.
When times are trying, it’s infinitely helpful to have a common cause, an endpoint that you are consciously working toward. I’ve found this to be true personally and as a family.
The goal is motivating and encouraging that these times won’t last forever. “We’re going to do this for two weeks.” “Let’s sacrifice this until we get to this specific point.” Set a goal that everyone can aim toward.
4. “You can do it. I’ll help you.”
As my mother-in-law talked, it became clear just how much time she devoted to helping her kids. Helping her kids succeed in their various endeavors was her priority. It wasn’t just important for her to find the things they were good at though. She also wanted to help them with their struggles.
Ruth said, “And also, you need to help them with things they’re not good at because they know what they’re not good at. Sometimes you just gotta say, ‘We’re going to do this. You can do it. I’m going to help you, and we’ll be good.’”
Whether it was quoting what her mother said to her or what she said to her kids, a form of that phrase was said a lot. “You can do it. I’ll help you.”
How empowering for our kids if we can send that message! “You can do this. I believe in you. You are capable. I will be here to help you if you’re not so sure. We’re in this together.”
I love that message and since our conversation, when something hard comes up for one of the kids, I have found myself saying the same thing. “You can do this. I’ll help you.”
5. “I owe it all to my mother.”
I asked my mother-in-law what prepared her for motherhood. She replied, “Well, I majored in child development, but I didn’t learn it there. I learned it at home, from my mother.”
Later, I asked her how she got her confidence. She thought a moment then said, “It must have come from my mother.”
As we continued to talk, one phrase jumped out at me: “I owe it all to my mother.”
I was suddenly grateful for my husband’s grandmother, a woman I never got to meet. Simultaneously, I was filled with an understanding of the potential power of our homes.
We have the unique opportunity to not only give children life, but also to fill that life with love, wonder, and joy. Ours is the great blessing to rear children with kindness and a desire to learn.
While there might be rough days and disagreements, when they’re old and have kids of their own, I hope our children also feel to look back with gratitude at the best we tried to give.
One Final Life Lesson
As I have thought about the parenting lessons I learned from my mother-in-law, another aspect of our conversation has come forward.
It was bonding.
Incredible conversation begins with sincere questions and ardent listening.
Confucius said
I believe this is a key to actually learning from others and about others.
I know I could stand to do a lot more listening in life. Whether it’s to my kids, my friends, or those who have “been there done that.”
If we are determined to learn from the experiences of others, we will ask sincere questions then really listen. As we do so, we truly can gain a wealth of knowledge, parenting or otherwise. Additionally, we will find that our relationships are growing deeper and stronger.
What is a parenting lesson you have learned from an experienced parent? Please share in the comments.
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