6 Tips to Handle Parenting Mistakes and Imperfections

Parenting mistakes, we all make them. However, some days feel worse than others. At times we can become discouraged and overwhelmed with our shortcomings and failures, wondering if we are good enough. Learning to handle these inevitable imperfections can bring peace, progress, and joy to our lives and homes. These six tips will help you get there.

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I love before and after photos. Whether it’s a personal make-over, refurbished dresser, or complete home renovation, these transformations are riveting.

Someone takes in this “before” space and where others may see inadequacy, this creative feels potential. Possibilities are endless. A vision is created and then suddenly brought to life in the “after” photo. The surprising reveal is exciting and inspiring.

However, there’s a really important concept that these photos don’t show: the Messy Middle.

Before and After photos don’t show that time the kids took a marker to the freshly painted wall. They don’t show the night when the individual on an incredible weight-loss journey binges on ice cream sandwiches and cookies. The photos of the crooked-cut tile, mismatched decoration, or broken frame aren’t often publicized.

But in reality, all of the transformation, the growth, the magic, actually happens in the Messy Middle.

Our lives are no different.

When we are talking about the all important state of our relationships or our personal goals and ambitions for ourselves and families, our transformative growth happens in the messy, complicated, failure-ridden, and supremely imperfect middle.

The sooner we stop expecting life to be an “After” photo and embrace that Messy Middle, the more peace, joy, and progress we will experience.

So here are six tips for embracing that Messy Middle, or in other words, dealing with parenting mistakes and imperfections.

6 Tips for Handling Parenting Mistakes and Imperfections

1. Stop Comparing Your Messy Middle to Others’ After

At one point, a friend decided she wanted her kids to start doing chores around the house. After a couple weeks of struggle, kids talking back, and inconsistent effort, she was exasperated. In talking, she was upset that her children wouldn’t work like a specific family she knew, a family that I happened to know had worked hard at working for years.

My friend was comparing her Messy Middle to another family’s After.

She was comparing her parenting mistakes to another’s strengths. Comparisons like this are inaccurate.

Additionally, we typically make them without the full picture. It’s unusual for us to actually know the full story, even if we think we do. We judge by what we see without knowing what goes on when the camera is off or the front door shut. We don’t know the backstory or internal struggle. Like the classic example of comparing apples and oranges, our comparisons usually don’t work.

More importantly, comparison puts one above another with conclusions such as, “She’s better than me,” or “I’ll never measure up.” The hierarchy of achievement doesn’t serve anyone, either the person on top or bottom. Really we’re all in this together.

Whether we’re comparing our child’s behavior with a different child, our home to the neighbor’s, or our personal goals to another’s progress, comparison is not helpful.

One simple way to combat the internal urge to compare is to stay curious. When we see someone we respect or who seems at a higher level than us, we can ask them how they got there. Not only will they typically appreciate the opportunity to share what they’ve learned, but the further knowledge allows us to know that person as a person rather than as a legend on a pedestal. It gives us more tools to progress.

We can learn a lot from each other, but that growth doesn’t happen by comparing.

2. Be Humble

Given the fact that you are reading a post titled “How to Handle your Parenting imperfections…” you already know you aren’t perfect. None of us are. Chances are, you’re probably harder on yourself than you should be.

That being said, recognizing our imperfections is only one part of being humble.

We need to apologize to those we hurt.

When our mistakes cause harm to our children or other family members, apologize. It can be hard to say “I’m sorry,” but when we apologize to our kids we show them that we aren’t perfect and don’t think we are. A sincere apology invites our children to do the same and opens the door to forgiveness, unity, and love. We help create a home where it is okay to fail so everyone is free to keep trying to do their best, even if that best sometimes doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

3. Allow Yourself to Mourn

We all have set-backs in life. Plans don’t go accordingly, and we fall short of our goals. If we’re trying to be calm parents, then yell at our kids, we will feel upset about it. When our kids argue despite our best efforts, it doesn’t feel like everything is peachy-keen.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad, frustrated, or upset.

In fact, giving ourselves permission to feel negative emotions is part of dealing with life, being resilient, and ultimately growing and finding joy.

So, let yourself feel what you feel, and then ask yourself why. Use that why to guide your next choices.

4. Create a Vision and Focus on Direction

Just like the creative who feels the potential in a “Before” space, we can see where we are now and envision where we want to be. Rather than seeing our current selves as hopelessly flawed, we can find the good and potential.

We’re you’re thinking of your parenting mistakes consider how you wish you would have handled the situation. Create a vision of the kind of parent and person you want to be. How do you want your family and home to be? Decide what’s really important in this specific case. Invite perspective.

Related: Organize Your Life Day 1: Organize Your Vision

After crafting your vision, set goals that align with those desires.

When you mess up, ask yourself, “Am I still headed in the right direction?” If you are, pat yourself on the back. If honest self-reflection finds your efforts lacking, focus on your vision as motivation to keep trying.

Our intention and work to be better parents and create a loving home for our family really do matter.

5. Know that Your Imperfect Life is Pinterest-Worthy

Each month, millions of people use Pinterest to find inspiration. They look for the great idea, the solution to their flaws, and the perfect home décor. They see beautiful images and quick-list solutions. And sometimes, what they see contrasts sharply with what they feel they are living.

At times we become overwhelmed with the state of our lives. We are not measuring up. The solutions are not as easy as they’re made out to be. The home is not as tidy as we want, the kids are not as kind or obedient as they ought to be, and we are not the type of parent we’d like to be. It can be downright discouraging.

But take another look.

See the child that turns to you in a moment of need and feel that grateful embrace. Recognize the joy that lights up your Little’s face with a small personal victory. Admit the sacrifice, perseverance, and selflessness you exhibit day after day as you strive to build this home and family.

You’re doing much more good than you realize.

Not only is your Messy Middle leading to something beautiful, it is beautiful. It is real life, authentic.

Real life opens our hearts to every emotion and tutors us with ups and downs. Our struggles give us a chance to build resilience and develop greater compassion. Personal flaws help us cultivate humility.

So be grateful for your Messy Middle. Embrace it. Appreciate the opportunity to live this life, your life, with all its complicated, challenging beauty.

So much of life is spent in a state of Messy Middle. Don’t feel like you have to hide your reality. Pin it. In its authentic, transformative, inspiring nature, it is indeed Pinterest-worthy.

6. Hang On

Don’t give in or give up.

Keep striving to be just a little better today, a little more patient, a little less grumpy, whatever it may be. Hang on to the truth that people really can change, circumstances can improve, and things will work out.

John Lennon said, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” You just haven’t reached your After yet. But you will. In fact, you’re probably doing much better than you think. Just keep going.

In Discouraging Moments

I have been exasperated, frustrated, and discouraged with my parenting mistakes and failure to meet personal goals. I’ve wondered if anything I’m doing is working. Yet, these tips have helped move me through these times to places of peace, progress, and joy.

So in moments when you are overwhelmed with your own shortcomings, when your parenting imperfections loom large, I hope these tips help you.

Stop comparing, apologize, mourn, evaluate your vision and plan, be grateful, and just keep moving forward.

Embrace your incredible Messy Middle and prepare for an astounding After.

How do you handle your parenting mistakes and imperfections? What is one you are working to overcome? Please share in the comments.

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